How do you become an intellectual in India – Simple 10 step process

There used to be a time, not very long back, when true intellectuals were produced in this land. These intellectuals were schooled in the traditional system of education, attained very high spiritual heights and were able to expound great philosophical truths in beautiful verse intelligible to the common man as stories, fables or myths. Of course this happened before the British came but then 200 years is a very short span in a nation which the world believes to be 5000 years old. The British came with their new mechanized system of manufacture which included everything from salt to steam engines. They did not stop with inanimate objects and invented a new system of manufacturing intellectuals. These intellectuals were robotized or to borrow from Asimov ‘lobotomized’ apologies of men/women who were indoctrinated with what the British wanted them to believe and infected with a perennial vocal diarrhea to egest out what the British wanted the world to hear from them.

As the masters had manufactured and subtly accredited these fine young men and women who were British in everything but their colour, the natives paid heed when they spoke. Because when they spoke they combined the white man’s superiority of knowledge and education with the brown man’s inferiority of backwardness, superstition and squalor. The simple folk over awed by the power of the white man believed these charlatans when they spit on their religion and traditions, when they condemned the earth saving practices of the people as blind superstitious ways of the pagans and heathens. With a few notable exceptions like Sri Aurobindo, the vast majority of the English educated followed the same pattern of distance from their roots and yearning to be as English as their unfortunate skin colour would allow.

As with everything else, we inherited the British system of manufacturing intellectuals after what the world believes to be our independence and is continuing till this day. Switch on your TVs, pick up the newspapers and magazines and the intellectuals are all around us. The secret of manufacturing intellectuals is revealed here as the simple 10 step fail proof formula

1. Have to be conceptualised in the right womb: No matter what they say about the importance of merit and hard work in the egalitarian world that we live in, hitting the ovarian jackpot is an absolute must if you want to be an intellectual in this country for reasons which will become clearer as we proceed. I know this is not in your hands so if this step is not taken care of, please abandon any attempts to be an intellectual and prepare for the competitive exams. 
2. Attend a highly ranked public school or convent: If we were to rank the steps in terms of their importance, this one would be right on top. Most highly ranked primary and secondary schools in India lay a lot of emphasis on developing literary skills (oratory, drama, essay writing) as also the grounding of English as a primary language of conversation both at school and at home. The charade of IIT IIM authors who write books similar in style and content to random blogs about dogs and puppies lack this very quality. They did not attend the highly ranked schools like Doon or Welhams and can never aspire to be an intellectual so sour grapes it is for the rest (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/stoi/special-report/Save-us-from-lerds/articleshow/11151031.cms)
3. Read, read, read, read, read!  Read the classics – Shakespeare, Dante. Read the philosophies – most fashionable are the german philosophers Goethe, Nietzsche. Recommended read the bible but no other religious texts please. Most importantly read Marx and Engels. Added bonus if you read Ayn Rand and puncture holes in her theories
4. Live in the past:  You must have a strong affinity towards history. You should be well versed with European (primarily Greek, Roman and British) history. Even though the scientific temper is extolled, however as an Indian intellectual do not question the bedrock of intellectual activity in the country. This means do not question the Aryan invasion theory, prevalence of caste system, benign-ness of some Mughal kings, historical absurdity of the myths and epics of the land
5. Disown your roots: Your religion should be an embarrassment to you. You should be ashamed of the caste system, the dowry system, the horrific practice of Sati. The millions of people visiting the temples and worshipping are dumb docile idiots who need to be inculcated with the scientific temper. The saffron clad priests are all frauds who are making money out of the misery of common folk. The rites and rituals are legacies of an ancient barbaric race of nature worshippers who came from somewhere in Central Asia, colonizing the country and appointed their chosen Brahmins to be the conduits of spirituality and thus exploited the masses
6. Attend a liberal arts course in a reputed college preferably in Delhi The advantage of this is three-fold. One it is a good way to hide the fact that you are completely useless at doing anything concrete and useful other than to live in your own make-believe world. Play to your strengths and don’t expose yourself to strong technical competition. Just write the board exams well. Secondly it gives you some further buying time before you are old enough to take the plunge into complete intellectualism and for others to take you seriously. Thirdly you will find enough of your own ilk to discuss, argue, deliberate, pontificate, theorize and once done, repeat. All the shining icons of intellectualism Ramchandra Guha, Irfan Habib, Romila Thapar have taken this route to discover themselves
7. Apply for masters degree or research work in another reputed institute You are not done thinking yet. You need more time. Perhaps 3 or 5 more years depending on how long you want to remain away from the real world. However it’s very important to use this time to read and assimilate all the gossamers philosophies abounding in the world. Be confused, get confounded. But don’t seek solutions. Make things intractable, wind yourself up in knots. Those who suggest solutions and get things done are called technocrats, you are not one of them. Your job is to confound and distract the discourse. Publish a few research papers mostly intended to raise questions than to answer them. Collaborate with the leading confused academics of the day. You will find scores of them in the capital’s intellectual heartlands. At this stage, a certain mastery of Marxism is expected along with a sympathetic view of the Maoist uprising. Raise the tribal problem and participate in a few rallies against the brutal state machinery. A few trips to Jantar Mantar and you will have your requisite badges of rally participation.
8. An academic stint in a reputed global university: If you have done your masters with sincerity, you would already be wanted by several global universities or think-tanks that specialize in bashing India through research chairs or centres. Scholarship/ Stipend is very easy to get in these universities and you must avail of this opportunity as it will add the last coat of gloss to your shining coat of arms. Some fancy scholarships or titles like “Dr James Burtling Professor of Asiatic studies at University of Newport” will greatly enhance your reputation in the circle of modern day mystics who love to live in a bipolar world. Remember the chances of your getting a scholarship or grant depend almost solely on how well you have assimilated the existing theories and how ready you are to throw in your yoke with the Marxist mainstream.
9. Write and speak for the English speaking junta: Till now you have mainly been moving around in your coterie. Time to up the game, reach the masses. Start writing in newspapers/ magazines (Hindu will lap up anything sympathetic to the Left), blogs or better still write a book. If you are lucky you might even get the Booker prize but make sure you are severely critical of India otherwise you might end up being another Amitava Ghosh – brilliant but uncrowned. Ramachandra Guha, Arundhati Roy, Arvind Adiga would never have hoped to have won their laurels had they not acquiesced and immersed themselves in the mainstream of India/ Hindu bashing
10. Hijack a cause: Finally you are not an intellectual if you are not an activist. This means choosing an environmental, societal, secular or any other agenda which has the potential to distinguish you from 99.99% of your countrymen who are addicted to cricket and Bollywood. Do a scan of major heartburn issues, reach the agitation site and camp there till the media publishes your interview. Come back and write an article on the same. Now search for another cause. This should go on for a few years till you are an acknowledged intellectual whom the TV channels start calling regularly for their dinner time debates.