How do you become an intellectual in India – Simple 10 step process

There used to be a time, not very long back, when true intellectuals were produced in this land. These intellectuals were schooled in the traditional system of education, attained very high spiritual heights and were able to expound great philosophical truths in beautiful verse intelligible to the common man as stories, fables or myths. Of course this happened before the British came but then 200 years is a very short span in a nation which the world believes to be 5000 years old. The British came with their new mechanized system of manufacture which included everything from salt to steam engines. They did not stop with inanimate objects and invented a new system of manufacturing intellectuals. These intellectuals were robotized or to borrow from Asimov ‘lobotomized’ apologies of men/women who were indoctrinated with what the British wanted them to believe and infected with a perennial vocal diarrhea to egest out what the British wanted the world to hear from them.

As the masters had manufactured and subtly accredited these fine young men and women who were British in everything but their colour, the natives paid heed when they spoke. Because when they spoke they combined the white man’s superiority of knowledge and education with the brown man’s inferiority of backwardness, superstition and squalor. The simple folk over awed by the power of the white man believed these charlatans when they spit on their religion and traditions, when they condemned the earth saving practices of the people as blind superstitious ways of the pagans and heathens. With a few notable exceptions like Sri Aurobindo, the vast majority of the English educated followed the same pattern of distance from their roots and yearning to be as English as their unfortunate skin colour would allow.

As with everything else, we inherited the British system of manufacturing intellectuals after what the world believes to be our independence and is continuing till this day. Switch on your TVs, pick up the newspapers and magazines and the intellectuals are all around us. The secret of manufacturing intellectuals is revealed here as the simple 10 step fail proof formula

1. Have to be conceptualised in the right womb: No matter what they say about the importance of merit and hard work in the egalitarian world that we live in, hitting the ovarian jackpot is an absolute must if you want to be an intellectual in this country for reasons which will become clearer as we proceed. I know this is not in your hands so if this step is not taken care of, please abandon any attempts to be an intellectual and prepare for the competitive exams. 
2. Attend a highly ranked public school or convent: If we were to rank the steps in terms of their importance, this one would be right on top. Most highly ranked primary and secondary schools in India lay a lot of emphasis on developing literary skills (oratory, drama, essay writing) as also the grounding of English as a primary language of conversation both at school and at home. The charade of IIT IIM authors who write books similar in style and content to random blogs about dogs and puppies lack this very quality. They did not attend the highly ranked schools like Doon or Welhams and can never aspire to be an intellectual so sour grapes it is for the rest (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/stoi/special-report/Save-us-from-lerds/articleshow/11151031.cms)
3. Read, read, read, read, read!  Read the classics – Shakespeare, Dante. Read the philosophies – most fashionable are the german philosophers Goethe, Nietzsche. Recommended read the bible but no other religious texts please. Most importantly read Marx and Engels. Added bonus if you read Ayn Rand and puncture holes in her theories
4. Live in the past:  You must have a strong affinity towards history. You should be well versed with European (primarily Greek, Roman and British) history. Even though the scientific temper is extolled, however as an Indian intellectual do not question the bedrock of intellectual activity in the country. This means do not question the Aryan invasion theory, prevalence of caste system, benign-ness of some Mughal kings, historical absurdity of the myths and epics of the land
5. Disown your roots: Your religion should be an embarrassment to you. You should be ashamed of the caste system, the dowry system, the horrific practice of Sati. The millions of people visiting the temples and worshipping are dumb docile idiots who need to be inculcated with the scientific temper. The saffron clad priests are all frauds who are making money out of the misery of common folk. The rites and rituals are legacies of an ancient barbaric race of nature worshippers who came from somewhere in Central Asia, colonizing the country and appointed their chosen Brahmins to be the conduits of spirituality and thus exploited the masses
6. Attend a liberal arts course in a reputed college preferably in Delhi The advantage of this is three-fold. One it is a good way to hide the fact that you are completely useless at doing anything concrete and useful other than to live in your own make-believe world. Play to your strengths and don’t expose yourself to strong technical competition. Just write the board exams well. Secondly it gives you some further buying time before you are old enough to take the plunge into complete intellectualism and for others to take you seriously. Thirdly you will find enough of your own ilk to discuss, argue, deliberate, pontificate, theorize and once done, repeat. All the shining icons of intellectualism Ramchandra Guha, Irfan Habib, Romila Thapar have taken this route to discover themselves
7. Apply for masters degree or research work in another reputed institute You are not done thinking yet. You need more time. Perhaps 3 or 5 more years depending on how long you want to remain away from the real world. However it’s very important to use this time to read and assimilate all the gossamers philosophies abounding in the world. Be confused, get confounded. But don’t seek solutions. Make things intractable, wind yourself up in knots. Those who suggest solutions and get things done are called technocrats, you are not one of them. Your job is to confound and distract the discourse. Publish a few research papers mostly intended to raise questions than to answer them. Collaborate with the leading confused academics of the day. You will find scores of them in the capital’s intellectual heartlands. At this stage, a certain mastery of Marxism is expected along with a sympathetic view of the Maoist uprising. Raise the tribal problem and participate in a few rallies against the brutal state machinery. A few trips to Jantar Mantar and you will have your requisite badges of rally participation.
8. An academic stint in a reputed global university: If you have done your masters with sincerity, you would already be wanted by several global universities or think-tanks that specialize in bashing India through research chairs or centres. Scholarship/ Stipend is very easy to get in these universities and you must avail of this opportunity as it will add the last coat of gloss to your shining coat of arms. Some fancy scholarships or titles like “Dr James Burtling Professor of Asiatic studies at University of Newport” will greatly enhance your reputation in the circle of modern day mystics who love to live in a bipolar world. Remember the chances of your getting a scholarship or grant depend almost solely on how well you have assimilated the existing theories and how ready you are to throw in your yoke with the Marxist mainstream.
9. Write and speak for the English speaking junta: Till now you have mainly been moving around in your coterie. Time to up the game, reach the masses. Start writing in newspapers/ magazines (Hindu will lap up anything sympathetic to the Left), blogs or better still write a book. If you are lucky you might even get the Booker prize but make sure you are severely critical of India otherwise you might end up being another Amitava Ghosh – brilliant but uncrowned. Ramachandra Guha, Arundhati Roy, Arvind Adiga would never have hoped to have won their laurels had they not acquiesced and immersed themselves in the mainstream of India/ Hindu bashing
10. Hijack a cause: Finally you are not an intellectual if you are not an activist. This means choosing an environmental, societal, secular or any other agenda which has the potential to distinguish you from 99.99% of your countrymen who are addicted to cricket and Bollywood. Do a scan of major heartburn issues, reach the agitation site and camp there till the media publishes your interview. Come back and write an article on the same. Now search for another cause. This should go on for a few years till you are an acknowledged intellectual whom the TV channels start calling regularly for their dinner time debates.

The truth about darkness

“Where are you going’ asked the boy

“I’m going into the darkness”

“But why are you going into the darkness” asked the boy his curiosity aroused

“To search for the truth”

“But how can you search for anything in the darkness”

“Darkness is the truth. It was there before nothing was illuminated by light and it will be there till the end of time. You cannot fight darkness because it is just not there. And yet it is everywhere. The whole universe is darkness. Everything that is born, everything that has a genesis eventually dies out but darkness was neither born nor sustained nor will ever die. It will remain forever. Isn’t this a magical quality of darkness?”

“You are not making any sense. You were saying something about truth and now you’re blabbering about” The boy was beginning to get irritated

“Is it not quite obvious? Realize that the darkness is the same as truth. It can be hidden temporarily, you might be made to believe that it has gone away because of the bright flash of the material world but it is just there, waiting to come out as soon as the light goes away, as soon as you close your eyes. It is just all around us but we refuse to see it and when we do see it we are sleeping.

The objects that we see, the sounds that we hear, the things that we feel are all imaginary play things in the world to entertain us. In any case they owe their existence to your own perception of them is it not. The eyes merely see what blocks their ray of light, the sensations in your fingers when you touch something are just nerve impulses conveying to your brain that there is something here

The pain, the sorrow, the suffering, the anger, the jealousy are all things that you feel. No body else does it to you, you do it to yourself. However our mind is so programmed that it mistakes all of these as the truth. However the truth is something you cannot see, cannot hear, cannot feel. It is hidden inside you and what is inside you is completely dark for you. When you meditate , when you sleep and when you die are the times when you are the closest to the truth. These are the times when you are closest to enlightenment, closest to the light which is actually darkness

Darkness like truth does not have any shades. Either it is dark or there is some light. When there is minimal light you call it dim. Similarly the truth can be corrupted by few falsehoods, more falsehoods, a lot of falsehoods. Falsehood can never have a single shade, it is either dim, bright or blinding. The truth is always a single shade. Black.

Paradoxically we always relate the truth to light and enlightenment. Bible proclaims ‘let there be light’ and there was creation, that was the genesis. But what before that.  There was nothing, but there was darkness”

“So what is the truth”

“Alas my son, I wish I could tell you that. I’m still searching and am in the dark. But I am convinced that the place to search for the truth is darkness not light”

“It again does not make any sense. So darkness is nothing, but truth is something. How can there be something in nothing” The boy said

“Something and nothing are the ultimate versions of the duality of nature. The whole world is made of something and nothing, of matter and anti matter, of particles and waves, of ones and zeros, of love and hate, of creation and destruction.  Something always springs out of nothing. You would have learnt of the big bang. What before that. It came out of nothing. The lord said ‘Let there be light’. What before that. The light came out of darkness.

Do you know what is the shiv linga that you pour milk on once a year. It is an ellipsoid. Whenever something springs out of nothing, it takes the shape of ellipsoid. It is the first shape for any object of creation however large or minute. The whole universe was an ellipsoid once. All the time new universes are being created, universes within universes, all are ellipsoids. The ellipsoid is the only shape which can hold energy for eternity. That is why we have the twelve Jyotirlingas which are still preserved in the country. They hold the divine energy of Shiva and the one in Benaras he had consecrated himself. These lingas are living proof of the fact that something comes out of nothing”

“Oh is it. And I thought Shiva linga was the male body part…” The boy’s voice trailed off

“You are right. It is mostly considered that as when the European conquerors came, they considered us pagans and heathens and likened our forms and idols to the ones they had seen back home. However understand what Shiva means. It means ‘that which is not’ or nothing. Shiva is the ultimate embodiment of truth. For millenniums people have followed the teachings of Shiva or the Adiyogi to attain the ultimate truth. However he gave a very beautiful hint in his name itself. To search for the truth is to search for Shiva is to search for nothing. Nothing signifies nothing more than darkness. And nothing is more dark for you than your inner self. It is absolutely pitch dark and no one can throw a light there .It is in the innermost recesses of the darkness within himself that a man paradoxically finds the greatest light and attains enlightenment.

Hence enlightenment means finding the source of the darkness. The source of the darkness is the divine creator himself sitting inside all of us. To find the truth, the holy grail or the amrit it all means just find the source of the darkness within you.

The tragedy for small business in India

Warning: A useless rant by a frustrated bugger who can’t do anything to improve the situation

Just over a month ago, Walmart in the US came under fire for having spent $25 bn to get into India. Indian government with unusual alacrity spared only for big businesses who have the balls to enter the Indian market launched a probe into it. Bharti Walmart in India suspended links with over a dozen consultants who had helped them procure licenses for launching their operations. Why was I not surprised. Well try getting into any kind of business in India which has to do anything with the real world  and you’ll get the answer

Liberalization in 1991 is heralded as an epoch making event which finished off the licensing/ inspector Raj in the country. Well not quite. It is very much alive and kicking. As an example to set up a retail operation in India, according to the data that I have one needs minimum 32 licenses. I’ll just give you a small summary to make the point clear

Labour: Profession license, Provident fund, 7 days exemption, Shift working, 365 day permission

Municipal commissioner: Trade license, Health trade license, Freezers permit, Food handlers certificate, Meat food products order, Permission for selling non-veg, Frozen non-veg, Freezers permit, Construction

Wait there’s more!

Shop and Establishment clearance, Food court license, Fire NOC, Music license, Police clearance, Sales Tax, APMC (Agriculture produce marketing committee), Cold storage, Weights and Measures, Pollution

These are authorities who issue 2-3 licenses at the least

Whew you get the jist.

And the issuing authorities are hideously corrupt. They sit in their chairs like erstwhile maharajas and between sips of tea and bites of samosas laced with gossip about colleagues and their wives, sign one or two files in a single day amidst the stack of files (mostly unread) in their offices which will make a scrap dealer (kabadiwala) salivate.

And despite all these controls, India has one of the worst rates of adulteration and food poisoning due to consumption of expired food. We have one of the worst fire safety records. The least said about weights and measures the better it is. How is that possible? Simply because inspection and sincerity to duty is non-existent. To get your file passed, just go abegging to the mighty officialdom with ‘Mahatma Gandhi’ and gifts tucked up and you have your license ready. Even if you have all the documents stipulated in the government website, there are ten different ways to find out a glitch. Be it the neighbourhood shopkeeper or the mighty Walmart, nobody can dare take on the officialdom

In most cases, small entrepreneurs just bite the bullet and plunge in not knowing when a Dhoblesque inspector might come in with his misplaced sense of duty and shut his shop due to lack of licenses. When you are operating in such uncertainty, who cares about regulatory tax filing. And the vast wealth of the country just keeps going into the Black hole.

Now I hear new regulators and authorities are coming up. The Food Safety and Standards Authority of India (FSSAI) has recently been given a lot of teeth. So there you have another set of leeches to feed.

This is before the operations start. Once your business is up and running, all the small authorities make a point to give you the opportunity to extend your hospitality to them. They come either as small facilitation money takers or as officials who are feted and treated.

The Indian entrepreneur has always been “creative” and finds his way out of this melee of nonsense with his traditional “jugaad”. But who suffers in the end. The End customer which is the babu himself sometimes. The practice is so prevalent that some financially literate firms add a line called “Environment Management cost” to their Profit and Loss Account. This Environment Management cost is fast becoming a major cost component as is expected.

Who is to blame? The policy creators of course who mostly are the overeducated but underliterate IAS officials who in their quest to create an ideal and comprehensive system end up undermining the whole purpose of value creation.  If only it was mandatory for those deciding the policies to have come from a background of operations in those areas, the situation wouldn’t have been so desperate that all new entrepreneurs want simply to open up a business in sectors which have minimal government control ignoring the fabulous returns on traditional sectors like agriculture now being witnessed.